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  • Writer's pictureJonathan Shayfer


Updated: Jan 17, 2021



Fat ones, thin ones

and chuck it in the bin ones,

Dirty ones, clean ones

and lots of in-between ones,

Daft ones, bright ones

and try as all they might ones,

Naughty ones, nice ones

and never take advice ones,

Loud ones, quiet ones

and only half a riot ones,

Fast ones, slow ones

and always on the go ones,

Happy ones, sad ones,

occasionally glad ones,

Cruel ones, kind ones

and both of those combined ones,

Strong ones, weak ones

and turn the other cheek ones.



Adam Allen (allergic to nuts)

Becky Beckford (misery guts)

Chrissie Crighton (loves apple pie)

Desmond Dillon (forgotten his tie)

Elijah Everett (never on time)

Freddie Frampton (covered in grime)

Gita Ganesh (pretty smile)

Harry Harris (ever so vile)

Ikwe Ingham (handsome boy)

Jasmine Jasrai (broken her toy)

Kylie Kingston (eyes so green)

Lola Lapinski (very mean)

Martin Martin (silly name)

Nina Nicolai (dreams of fame)

Oliver Orwell (asks for more)

Pippa Popov (messy drawer)

Quentin Quenby (in the money)

Rory Rogers (very funny)

Stephen Smedley (Ikwe’s mate)

Tricia Truscott (likes to skate)

Ursula Unwin (good at sport)

Vernon Vergas (never gets caught)

Warren Warner (little nipper)

Xavier Xanthos (bullies Pippa)

Yasmine Yusuf (really clever)

Zena Zeller (naughty? Never!)

ET (Extra Terrifying)

“Headmaster, Headmaster!” the teacher cried

as she burst through the door – and then burst into tears.

“My children are aliens, what can I do?”

“Sit down” he replied, “I’m all ears.”

“Well, there’s Angie whose skin is green like a frog

and Michael who’s grown a spare head,

Sam’s tentacles are a thing to behold

and Amy’s so pale she looks dead.

Jasper arrived in a spaceship of gold

while Jane just materialized,

Emma then grinned while she read my mind

and Ben zapped me between the eyes.

Roy’s lizard tongue was a nightmare come true,

Faye looked like a hundred and two.

Jack’s pointed ears were quite horrid

and John’s face was all covered in goo.”

“Now, now” said Headmaster, “Don’t worry,

I’m sure that it’s all in your mind.

Those children drive everyone crazy,

you really just need to unwind.”

Headmaster then entered the classroom,

so they say, at a quarter to ten.

A strange blue light was then noted

and none ever saw him again.


I'm from Rhino Table,

I'll charge you at dawn,

I'll scare you with my armour

and my sharp and pointy horn.

I'm from Cheetah Table,

you can run for all you're worth,

but I'll chase you down like lightning,

I'm the fastest cat on earth.

I'm from Hippo Table

and I weigh half a ton,

I'll open my enormous jaws

and swallow you just for fun.

I'm from Python Table,

I hang from jungle trees,

I'll wrap my coils around you

till you find you cannot breathe.

And I'm from Tiger Table,

a large and fearsome beast,

I will find you and devour you

and have myself a feast.


Dear God,

Thank you for my mum and dad,

I know they really care,

And thank you for my Scottie dog.

Oh, and while you’re there…..

Can you make me one foot taller?

Can you get my homework done?

Can you make my brother shorter?

Can you fill my days with fun?

Can you grow a bigger garden?

Can you find me loadsa sweets?

Can you give me choc-chip ice cream?

Can you think up awesome treats?

Can you let me sleep on Mondays?

Can you take my dog for walks?

Can you give me bags of money?

Can you make my kitten talk?

Can you give my dad a sports car?

Can you fill the sky with kites?

Can you bake a pile of doughnuts?

Can you let me win at fights?

Thanks a lot, God,

Love, Spike

PS Have a nice day


Mr Stark never smiles,

teaches sport and some P.E

Mr Stark has promised to

make our lives a misery.

And we were hopping, skipping,

jumping, running,

vaulting, leaping,

bounding, bending,

lifting, climbing,

swinging, springing.

Mr Stark, ice for blood,

heart of stone and steely eyed,

put us through our paces –

OMG, we nearly died.

And we were sweating, gasping,

crying, cursing,

howling, screaming,

bawling, sobbing,

huffing, puffing,

moaning, groaning.

Mr Stark, hard as nails,

works us in the freezing cold;

someone should remind him that

his athletes are six years old!


Miss Francois, she teaches French

and a little Spanish too.

Greets us with a warm “Bonjour!”

Speaking English is taboo.

Miss Francois, Ooh-la-la!

Miss Francois is elegant,

glides amongst us like a swan,

wears a smile upon her face,

she is chic, she is bon.

Miss Francois, Ooh-la-la!

Miss Francois has cast a spell,

our Mademoiselle, she has us caught;

because she is extraordinaire,

we can’t recall what we’ve been taught.

Miss Francois, Ooh-la-la!


He has skin as pale as winter

and his eyes a shade of pink.

He is Mr A. Lucard

and he never seems to blink.

Doesn't like to stand in sunlight,

teaches with the curtains closed.

He is Mr A. Lucard,

where he comes from no-one knows.

Our class is cold as winter

as he glides across the room.

He is Mr A. Lucard

and he’s quiet like a tomb.

His front teeth are strangely pointed,

and his hair is black as night.

He is Mr A. Lucard

and he gives us quite a fright.


Our teacher is a kung-fu nutter,

takes our class at ten.

He makes us bow on entering.

His name is Mister Zen

Our teacher is a kung-fu nutter,

inscrutable and wise.

Shows us how to flying kick

and jab between the eyes.

Our teacher is a kung-fu nutter,

leaves his shoes outside.

Eats with sharpened chopsticks,

his rice is all egg-fried.

Our teacher is a kung-fu nutter,

breaks a block in two.

We knock each other on the head

with sticks of thick bamboo.

Our teacher is a kung-fu nutter,

kung-fu is his life,

but every night he’s beaten

by his better kung-fu wife.


Savannah, why are you late?

Well, Missy,

calm your feathers,

lose the frown,

sit you down,

'cos here's the story.....

I was makin' the most

of marmalade 'n' toast,

just chillin' with the folks

an' my bouncin' baby bro',

when something big and frightenin'

flash by like blue lightnin',

make us shake and shudder,

the windows rattlin',

an' everybody prattlin'

like it's the end of the world.

See, somethin' in the sky,

it fell like a rocket

an' landed with a zoom

an' my heart it went "Boom!"

like the smell o' doom.

A big chunk o' meteorite,

bright as light in the night

hit the big ol' oak tree

and torched it for sure,

yes, sirree.

So, the firefighters came

and they did their stuff,

right enough,

but with the chokin'

and the smokin'

and the hustle

and the bustle,

the clock was a-tickin'

and my daddy he was stricken

so he rushed me to school,

now everythin' is cool,

'cos here I am, miss.

Savannah, why aren't you eating your lunch?

Well, missus,

jus' listen up,

don't glisten up

when I tell you

this sorry tale.....

See that poster over yonder

with the meals all fresh and tasty?

Looks like it fit for a queen,

you know what I mean?

Now, I don't mean to be rude

'bout this stuff you call food,

Huh! This sorry lookin' chicken

ain't so finger-lickin',

an' that sad bolognaise

well, it's seen better days,

an' that fish ain't for me -

jut throw it back in the sea,

an' I won't be in a hurry

to swally down that curry.

Don't wanna tussle ya

or shout out and hustle ya

but I sure gotta say it,

I just can't eat this stuff,

I had enough.

It's too rough and too tough

for my teeth to chew it,

no, ma'am, i just can't do it,

'cos someone needs to chuck it

'fore I reach for the bucket.

So, miss, please don't make me choose,

'cos I'd rather eat my shoes

than this bad smellin' crud.

So, here's the deal with the meal,

I'll have my pudding now,

a mega slice o' chocolate sponge

and I'll forget about the other gunge.

Oh, my, what a treat,

Bon Appetit!

Savannah, did you have a good day at school?

Well, mama,

don't you go cussin'

or cryin' and fussin'.

Don't aggravate

when I tell it to you straight.....

As you know,

things didn't start out right

when we was hit by a meteorite.

This stuff can make or break you,

shake you up

or wake you up.

Then laters, my friend Suzie,

well, she's feelin' kinda whoozy

an' I got to play the nurse,

but it's a curse

when you missin' your play.

And then at lunch time,

it was crunch time

with the crummy crud on the table

and I got me a label

as "Little Lady Mischief".

So then we're sittin' in class

and we're s'posed to be learnin'

but I got me a yearnin'

to chit and to chat

'cos that's where it's at,

and my teacher, Miss Lassing

says "Savannah, stop gassing!"

so I was struck dumb,

under the thumb,

and that was my day,

it's all I gotta say,

it's a rap,

a school rap,

that's all I gotta say -

it's a rap.


Deer Miss Bradshore

Mary cant do Pee ee today

she hurt her nee in a teribel way.

she fell of a chare

but you cant see the bruze

she must have sum rest

pleese exkuse.

Mary shuld stay of her feet

pleese be nise and give her a sweet


My Mum


Those boys!

Pushing and shoving

and yelling and shouting

and booting their footballs

all over the place.

Wrestling and rolling

and jumping and diving

and chasing each other

like mad cats and dogs.

Punching and fighting

and kicking and biting

and whacking and hitting

and burping and spitting.

It’s a shame that God invented boys –

I’m so glad I’m a girl.


Those girls!

Squealing and shrieking

and screaming and screeching,

they run like they’re crazy

and skip till they drop.

Plotting and scheming

and snitching and telling

and babbling and prattling

their gossip all day.

Moaning and sighing

then bawling and crying,

meddling and prying

and watching and spying.

It’s a shame that God invented girls –

I’m so glad I’m a boy.


Where are we going on our next school trip?

To Legoland?

A mini-land, wonderland, amazing land

with swashbuckling pirate shores,

and pharohs and vikings and knights

and tons of fun for all the kidz.


Where are we going for our next school trip?

To the zoo?

A great Big Mix of the strange and marvellous,

with funky gorillas and snapping crocs,

and crazy meerkats and slithering snakes.

A whole world of whacky creatures.

Animal Magic!

Where are we going on our next school trip?

An assault course?

A jungle forest of pulleys and ropes,

dangling and flying and scampering,

whizzing around like grinning monkeys.

Totally, totally, totally mad.


* * * * *

Now I know where we're going on our next school trip.

A sewage farm.

A stinky, gunky, manky sewage farm,

where we learn about sniffy sludge,

and our packed lunch tastes of yuck

and we go home smelling of pong.

Educational. Simply educational.


School is......

like a jungle, big and wild and noisy,

like a baby bird that's taken flight,

like a river when you're gently rolling,

like a tunnel with a point of light.

School is.....

like a rollercoaster ride that's scary,

like the welcome shade of willow tree,

like the quiet of a Sunday morning,

like the changing currents of the sea.

School is.....

like a meal that tasted pretty awful,

like a meal that tasted pretty good,

like a summer day, all hot and bothered,

like a snowman melting where he stood.

School is.....

like a skating rink without the skates,

like a birthday party full of fun,

like a mountain but too tired to climb,

like a journey only just begun.


Puss in Boots and Dick Wittington's cat

snarled and scratched and hissed and spat;

Thumbelina and titchy Tom Thumb

had a teeny little squabble and a miniature scrum.

It's a fairy tale riot.

Little Red Riding Hood didn't have a care

when she hacked off sweet Rapunzel's hair;

Pure Snow White and Cinderella

were grappling over a princely fella.

It's a fairy tale riot.

Hansel and Gretel had a family scrap

with a poke in the eye and a deafening slap;

Aladdin was fighting the Gingerbread Man,

it was no holds barred, it was hand-to-hand.

It's a fairy tale riot.

Rumpelstiltskin and Pinocchio

were wrestling and wrangling, to and fro;

The Snowman and Alice had a frightening brawl

while Sleeping Beauty slept through it all.

It's a fairy tale riot.


Miss, I’m not feeling well today…….

My teeth hurt like a dentist’s drill,

My head’s on fire – I feel quite ill;

I’ve got the shivers and the shakes,

The sweating and my body aches,

The dizziness, the fever too,

It’s probably a dose of flu.

My eyes are red, I can’t see straight,

I’m in a truly awful state.

My lips are numb, my mouth is drooling,

I’m far too sick to do more schooling.

My chest is sore, my cough is wheezy,

All in all, I’m rather queasy.

My ears are stinging, my nose is runny,

I’m not a very happy bunny.

I’ve got the colds, I’ve got the hots,

My face has grown a dozen spots.

I’m chucking up into the loo –

If you were me, then you would too.

I DREW.....

I drew a fearsome lion

and it swiped me with its paw;

I drew a charging rhino

and it battered our front door.

I drew a towering oak tree

and it crashed into the ground;

I drew a golden penny

and it turned into a pound.

I drew a crumbling cottage

and it grew into a palace;

I drew a large white rabbit

and it re-appeared with Alice.

I drew a brontosaurus

and it stepped on my big toe;

I drew a snow white eagle

and it changed into a crow.

I drew a monstrous serpent

and it met me with a hisssss;

I drew a pretty maiden

and she thanked me with a kiss.


Jake Jarvis is a bully,

a rough and tumble boy.

He’ll bish and bash your ears in,

then break your favourite toy.

Jake Jarvis is a bully.

He’ll poke you in the eye.

He’ll call you mean and nasty names

and try to make you cry.

Jake Jarvis is a bully.

He’ll push you to the ground,

then lock you in a cupboard

till you think you won’t be found.

Jake Jarvis is a bully,

But when I cut my knee,

he cleaned it up, then whispered:

“Just don’t say it was me”


The decorations are all a-mess,

The paper chains are in distress,

The angel's grown a cotton wool beard,

The Advent calendar's disappeared -

It's our crazy Christmas caper.

The tree we've bought is two feet short,

And doesn't stand up where it ought,

The baubles and the bells are busted,

And fairy needs to be adjusted -

It's our crazy Christmas caper.

When Santa Claus arrived at school,

He stumbled like a bumbling fool,

Then fell against the classroom wall,

He didn't like us kids at all -

It's our crazy Christmas caper.

The concert had to be postponed,

It looked like a disaster zone,

The stage collapsed, the scenery fell,

There's not much more that I can tell -

It's our crazy Christmas caper.


We’ve had a good hair day this morning,

But just to give you some warning…..

Mae Ling came in with impossible curls,

Lola’s was swishy with twirls and whirls.

Roma’s extensions reached down to her knees

And Julia’s hair was bright green if you please.

Jumoke’s afro made him seem taller,

While Marvin’s new bald patch made him seem smaller.

Mary’s mohican was wondrous to see,

Latoyah’s crop was shaped like a tree.

Mario’s locks made him look so Italian,

Warren’s pony-tail came from a stallion.

Madeline’s mane was tinted with gold,

Rita’s blue perm was striking and bold.

Joshua’s dreadlocks were wicked and cool,

Olly’s long fringe was the best in the school.

Luke wore a crew-cut like U.S Marines,

Karen’s trim came from the top magazines.

Amy wore luminous ribbons and bows,

And Samson’s hair just grows and grows and grows and grows…..


There once was a stupid young vandal

who gleefully broke a door handle.

Now he’s locked in the room

and we have to assume

he’s in need of a match and a candle.

A vile little glutton called Kelly

at a party devoured all the jelly,

With no airs and graces,

she laughed in their faces

but now has a helluva belly.


(to the tune of ‘Windmills Of Your Mind’)

Like the sunlight casting shadows that are dancing on the wall,

And the melodies come streaming from the voices in the hall,

From the flight to welcome classrooms under leaden skies of grey

As we catch the cherry blossom floating on a breeze in May,

When the corridors at Christmas shine with silver and with gold,

And the teacher fills our heads with something new and something old,

With the images and memories of the school we leave behind,

Like the circles that you find in the windmills of your mind.

Like the Autumn leaves we threw into the air without a care,

And the sounds of laughter emanating from the summer fair,

Like the myriad of colours on display throughout our school,

And the smiles we gave each other when we broke a golden rule,

Like the jostling in the lunch hall as we clamoured to be fed,

Like the silence during prayer time and the taste of daily bread,

With the images and memories of the school we leave behind,

Like the circles that you find in the windmills of your mind.

Like the photo of our classmates, every smile upon a face,

And the friends we’d made forever which the years cannot erase,

Like the hum of minds around us from the desks at which we sit,

When we’re flagging in the relays but we know we’ll never quit,

Like the times that made us laugh and the times that made us cry,

From the moment that we started to the day we said goodbye,

With the images and memories of the school we leave behind,

Like the circles that you find in the windmills of your mind.

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